Please Don't Sleep On My Jasper!
by alice and edward cullen
Summary: The love-hate relationship between our two favourite vegetarian vampires.. ALICE WHITLOCK and EDWARD CULLEN.. dun. Dun. DUNNNNNN.. VIA EMAIL -insert crazed laughter here- :D
1. one, jump to the sun

_**RANDOM VOICE OVER GUY:**It was a boring, oh yes very boring day. So Alice opened up her hotmail account in world wide web speed (so much slower than that of a vampire) and typed in a life changing address in the TO: section. It was to one Edward Anthony Mason Cullen and although they lived a room away, one must always be dependant of computers..._

**ALICE TO EDWARD: **

**TO:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

**CC:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

OMG EDWARD!

Ohhh how I have missed you!! You have been gone for so long _–looks at clock-_ well, I suppose ten minutes isn't _that_ long, but it is to a super speedy vampire like me!! –le sob-

And you know how I just love to bombard you with all of my musings and here is one right now: -_grins_-

Well. I was translating fanfiction into Russian, because I believe that the Russians are severely missing out and it was a matter of social justice that I translated every story into Russian for them. And the tv was just innocently playing in the background …

and then an add came on and it twas like ...

blah blah blah JASPER blah blah JASPER blah JASPER blah blah JASPER blah JASPER JASPER JASPER!  
Forget your old couch and get JASPER!

God how many times can one use that lovely name in a thirty second commercial?

I think it must be a sign from god.

Here is the description of the fantastical lounge:

_"When you want to crash out in the middle of the day, and it seems like too much trouble to trek off to bed, a __dreamy__ couch is just what you want. The jumbo __**Jasper**__ range from King Furniture gives you enormous flexibility, as the pieces can be arranged to suit your room and __mood__. __**Jasper**__ consists of various platforms that can be moved to create different seating arrangements. Additional components include single and __double-height__ (haha cause he's double my height gettit?) shelves, which mean you can store remote controls, magazines and DVDs within easy reach. __Unlike inferior__ furniture pieces that use wooden frames, King Furniture opts for __**sturdier and better quality**__ steel frames.__**Stylish and extremely practical**__."__  
_  
I must say that it is one very lovely couch.

Get it for me for my birthday? (Even though I don't even really know when my birthday is, pretty please with bella on top?? Do _not_ read into the double entrende)

xxALICE

**EDWARD TO ALICE:**

**TO:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

**CC:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

How… err… interesting dearest sister.. but I question: why must you plague me with your random thoughts. -_scoffs_-

Your Truly,

Edward.

-_turns off computer-_

_-secretly plans to by the Jasper lounge because it looks and sounds so amazingly amazing- _

**ALICE TO EDWARD: **

**TO:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

**CC:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

_-GLARES-_

Lol you seem to have forgotten that I can see the future, so I SAW you buying the couch.

ITS MINE! ALL MINE I SAY!

Hence, I will be forced to come over to your house and steal it in the middle of the night.  
-_smashes your living room window with axe_-  
-_head jerks left then right to make sure no one is home_-  
-_crazed look in eyes_-  
And then I will sleep on it every night. -_Wicked smile_-

xxALICE.

* * *

have we ever told you how much we love reviews? _-insert crazed eyes here-_ so please, look into your heart, and review. even if it is a mere smily face... or an angry face... or even a vampire face with three teeth. :E hahaha.

So review, and we may just give you a cookie. of the chocolate variety. of course. :D and it will even be in the shape of a love heart. cause that is how much we will lovee you if you review. :) review. _-looks up to you with pleading eyes-_ pleasee?

and PS the link for the ammazzzinggg couch called jasper is on our profile. look at it. the couch will change you life. promise.


	2. two, fly to the zoo

**EDWARD TO ALICE:**

**TO:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

**CC:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

ZOMG it is so so awesome.  
_-sleeps on it so you can't sleep on it-_  
hahhaha!

Btw: we live in the same house last time I checked, although…

-_thoughts trail off pleasantly_-  
-_snaps back to reality_-

So you can change it round depending on mood??  
And its called jasper??  
Coincidence much??  
Oh hahahah

Yours truly

Edward

_-buys one for you, so I can keep mine-_ XD

**ALICE TO EDWARD: **

**TO:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

**CC:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

GET OFF MY JASPER!  
-_snarls_- or I'll AXEidently kill you.  
-_smiles innocently_-  
And we wouldn't want that would we?  
You go sleeping round on my jasper and I'll get angry. Now that's an understatement.  
And it wont be pretty.  
-_growls_-  
You have been warned.

MWA HAHHAHAH HAHHHA

I know how awesome is the couch? -_sighs_- It's the couch of my dreams.  
And it's not a coincidence - it must be fate.  
-_starts quoting Romeo and Juliet_-  
-_rolls eyes in English departments general direction_-

Ugk. I need a holiday.  
haha lol xx

xxALICE

* * *

_-Alice bursts into song-_

"lack of reviews is killin me (_Edward: and I_)  
we must confess we love reviews (_Edward: ree..eee.viewss_)  
When we're not reviewed we lose our minds  
Give us a reviewwww-eww-iewww, review us please or we may just eat yooou..!"

(free lolliepops for those who guess the song correctly. (blood flavour, of course. heee heee.)


	3. three, buzz like a bee

**EDWARD TO ALICE:**

**TO:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

**CC:**Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

-_snaps fingers in Z formation_-

Fine. Be That Way. Grrr. But I _wont _play nice.

Note to you: WON'T

**Defined on google:****is a contraction for will not: Maggie won't be getting every toy she wants this Christmas.**

Hmmmmm that sounds awfully familiar…but where??

Oh!!

HAHHAHHAHA last Christmas says all.

But we won't go into the gifts you received… or should I say _lack of _!!

**PS:** And we all know right now that you are on jasper although I didn't think you would need to buy him… but you know.

hahahh men these days  
-_looks down shamefully as realises I am a man_-

**PPS**: I'm sure your new jazzy lounge will give you "holiday"  
-_smirks_-  
Aint no comeback for that one mmm hmmmmmmm??

**PPPS:** I am obviously in love with the letter p… speaking of pee… oh no wait I am vampire

-_sighs_-

Edward Anthony.

**ALICE TO EDWARD: **

**TO:**Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

**CC:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

LOL  
Comeback? Why would I need a comeback? I know it's true, there's no point denying it.

-_wicked glint in eyes_-  
Haha excuse me while I go sleep with -_cough_- I mean _on_ my couch, whose name happens to be Jazzy poo. I mean that's Jasper to you.  
Who knows? Maybe the real jasper can join in too.  
-_eyes dart left then right to check that no one's looking_-  
-_runs to hug couch_- hahaha lol

xx ALICEEEEEE! :)

* * *

**WARNING:**if you do not review this chapter, all of your left socks will be temperarily stolen. they will then undergo extensive physical training, and will come back to your house in their millions and strangle all of your right socks. and then steal your shoes.

you have been warned. so if i were you i would _review._ -laughs evilly-


	4. four, scream like a boar

**EDWARD TO ALICE:**

**TO:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

**CC:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

Hahhahahhaa

-_Jazzy poo, I mean Jasper to me, walks in and feels your lust for the couch_-

-_and then I walk in after hearing Jasper's thoughts which go along these lines: "OMG WHEN… WHEN DID ALICE GIVE UP HER LOVE OF ME FOR A LOUNGE" which were thought in utmost desperation_-

-_then bursts into laughing after hearing: "ALTHOUGH I MUST SAY ITS NAME __**IS**__INCREDIBLY FANTASTIC"_-

xEdward the Cullen.

**ALICE TO EDWARD: **

**TO:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

**CC:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

LAUGH. OUT. LOUD.

-_I feel waves of Jasper's sadness, which then turn to lust_-

-_Jasper leaves and goes to furniture shop to get couch and finds that I had bought the last one_-

-_Jasper is sad but continues his search for a sexy piece of furniture_-

-_his eyes fall on the "Alice Writing Desk (and for your information there is an actual desk called that, just as there is an actual "Jasper" lounge. LOL - link on Profile)_

-_takes desk home and puts it in his and my room opposite my sexy couch_-

-_tries to make me jealous_- LOL

-growls maliciously at desk-

xxMARY ALICE

* * *

**ALICE GIVES A BIG KUDO TO: **thefuturemrs.edwardcullen. the only one who guessed what the song was from chapter two. _-grudgingly hands over blood flavoured lolliepop- _lol not even my cowriter, Edward, guessed what it was, but i suppose he/she _is_ mentally retarted... _-edward glares-_ hee hee. i still love you though brother :D

**WARNING:** if you do not review immediatly, this story will self destruct in three.. two.. one and one half.. QUICK QUICK BEFORE ITS TOO LATE!! REVIEW FOR YOU LIVES.. AND THE CONTINUATION OF THIS FANFIC!!... one and one third.. one and one fourth... ARRRRGGHHHHHHHH!! _-runs into sunset screaming in terror-_


	5. five, stay alive

**EDWARD TO ALICE:**

**TO:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

**CC:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

LOL LOL LOL

Ten centuries later and I still laugh every time I walk past your room and see you hugging the lounge and Jasper lying face down on the desk.

FARRCKK ITS HILARIOUS.

-_smirks whenever a gold polishing cloth is lying around as Jasper got a wedding ring especially made for the desk, placing it on one leg, while you just bought a pure gold cushion_-

May I say: OUCH HOW THE HELL DO YOU SLEEP ON PURE GOLD??

Oh right it's the whole vampire thing again. We _don't_ sleep. I must be getting tired.

-_mentally kicks self_-

Edward The Vampire. Rawrr.

**ALICE TO EDWARD: **

**TO:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

**CC:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

LOL hahahhaa -_mental image of it_-

-_falls to floor laughing_-

But that's not how everything actually turned out.  
You only saw that in my mind after I saw a vision of it hahaahah.

But -_shakes head_- the future changes my _dear_ Edward.  
Although on afterthoughts, the couch is still pretty sexy.

So this is what actually will now happen:

Jasper comes home with his Alice -_snarls at the writing desk_- and his plan works and I get a tad jealous lol.  
I then try to make him _more_ jealous by getting the couch a cool golden cushion.  
Then he gets a ring for the table? And I'm like WTF?

And then _he_ looks at his own stupidity and is like WTF?? And then we make up and the writing desk and the couch end up getting married to each other instead.

The end.

Although… -_shifty eyes_- when no one is looking I must admit that I do occasionally get with the couch. But you cant tell anyone ok? Please??

xx THE ALICE

* * *

**GIANT KUDO FROM ALICE AND EDWARD TO: **MoonStarWithWings :D -_bows down to them-_ with out whom this story would still have no title. _-gives them free mountain lion to snack on- _

**WARNING:** if you do not review we will enject a deadly mix of copper carbonate, silver nitrate, mercury and purple sparkly glitter in to your blood stream and as a result no vampire would ever want to bite you. ie. YOU WILL NEVER GET TURNED!! mwahahahaa. ... and if you prefer your humanity, then.. you will just smell funny. ha. so put that in your none reviewing pipes and smoke it.


	6. six, don't pick up sticks

**EDWARD TO ALICE:**

**TO:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

**CC:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

GOOD LORD HAHAHAHAHA

When I first read it I was like 'make up'??

"Honey, you've been having a sexual relationship for like over a hundred years and you STILL don't know it is called 'make out'!!"

Then I thought, hang on a second!

"Heavens you have enough makeup to last you a life time. Even several."

Oh right -_cheesy grin_-

Vampires live forever.

Unless… -_you see you future_- …or should I say _non existent_ future??

LOL  
And then I was like OH RIGHT (in a British accent of _course_)  
-_shifty eyes_-  
-_wipes forehead at no one seeing stupidity… only the purpose was kind of defeated since I told you_-

Edwwwaaarrdddd.

**ALICE TO EDWARD:**

**TO:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

**CC:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

LOL!! hahahahaha

_-pats your shoulder-_

there there, it's not your fault that you have zero _experiences_.

-_scoffs- _well actually it is _entirely_ your fault you gigantic prude.

and seeing as you clearly have making out on the brain, why don't you go get yourself a nice lovely piece of furniture to keep you _company, _because you are old and lonely after all.

_-taunting smile-_

Your welcome to sleep on my couch if you wish. -_jiggles eyebrows- _

_-sly smile- _

xxALICE WHITLOCK

* * *

You know you want to review, because, those who do, will recieve a FREE cullen of their choice. Thats right. but the offer only applies to those who review EVERY chapter. so if you have not, go back. NOWW. _-glares untill you grudgingly review every chapter-_ because we looovvveee reviews. it makes our entire existance worth living. :D

PS: and those who defy us, will wake up in the morning with a purple, sparkly rash, ALLL over their body, then because you will look so freakishly freaky, your parents/gaurdians will sell you to "Frekishly Freaky Are Us Co." for a rather pretty penny and there you will stay. for the rest of time. as a rotting corpse. MWAHAHAHAAAAHAHAAAAA!!


	7. seven, is almost as cool as kevin

**EDWARD TO ALICE:**

**TO:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

**CC:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

well I can see where my special talents _aren't_ appreciated

GRRRRRRR

and if I end up selling lounges and writing desks when I'm older, ill make sure u NEVER get your hands on one of them. I mean you'll never get your hands back OFF it again.

so I'm sparing the lounges and desks.  
they owe me big time.

_-smirks while holding u back from hurting me-_

IM SORRY BUT I WIN _**EVERY**_ FIGHT. DEAL WITH IT**  
**

xxEDWARD.

**ALICE TO EDWARD:**

**TO:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

**CC:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

_-screws up face-_

well.. well.. YOU SMELL FUNNY! so HA.

I'm being serious Edward -_wrinkles nose_- you smell like bella.

its absolutely mouth watering. _-swallows excess venom- _so you better watch your back because I could accidentally slip up and eat you.

haha naww i would never do that to you brother. because you also smell like werewolf, probs also from bella. _-pretends to throw up-_ and they smell **disgusting.**

god stop stinking up the house Edward. go have a shower.

xxALICE. (the vampire who doesn't smell funny)

* * *

**WARNING:** those who do not review will be flown up into the sky on a giant purple,_ sparkly_, vacuum cleaner and suspended in mid air until a giant cloud comes and consumes them whole, transporting them to a depleted, old, abandoned country town where there is not Internet connection. _anywhere._

if you are willing to take the risk, i advise you take a warm jumper. and the whole twilight series. oh wait. no sorry they will be confiscated on entry. _-insert evil laughter here- _

so review at risk of mortal boredom and death. you have been warned. _-frantically hits review button like crazy-_


	8. eight, go on some hot date

**EDWARD TO ALICE:**

**TO:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

**CC:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

well maybe I would have a shower if someone didn't think that their _jazzy lounge_ wanted one too.

and then upon finding that he had become stuck i quickly hurried to the other one to find Jasper's desk there also stuck.

dammmit

and then Charlies at bella's so he might think me crazy if i ask to shower there and i can't bear to read his thoughts that revolve around protection _-shudder-_

xEdward the shower-less vampire.

**ALICE TO EDWARD:**

**TO:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

**CC:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

LOL.  
i got the couch dirty so i had to give it a shower_. -Pouts-_

and apparently _-snarls in the tables general direction-_ jasper got the writing desk dirty to, so also gave it a shower.

why don't you just hop in the shower with the couch? i couldn't get some of the stains out so you can give it a go at trying to get them out if you like. _-smiles sweetly-_

haha but whatever you do, do not hop in the shower with the desk because the couch is much much better. _-Glares-_ you hear me!? _-Shouts so jasper can hear-_ my couch is **much** better than that god forsaken desk!! -_growls-_

-_hand twitches towards axe-_

xxALICE LOVES JASPER THE COUCH.

* * *

**Jasper**: (the temporary threat-man, cause he's hacked onto Alice's computer) _-caresses desk lovingly-_ Alice's -_growls_- _lounge_ can never match my lovelyyy delightfull.. seductive.. alice desk. -_snarls in lounges general direction-_ and anyone who reviews like crazy will receive a FREE clone of the "Alice Desk." and anyone who sides with the lounge, and/or doesn't review, well.. _-insert ferocious ripping noise here_- that's what shall become of you.

and dont you DARE say that im jelous! grrr! cause how could a mere lounge ever outsmart me? and one thats trying to copy me at that. -_spits-_


	9. nine, yay for wine

**EDWARD TO ALICE:**

**TO:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

**CC:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

WEE ELLL ELLLLLLLLL

forgive me.  
I think this has something to do with the desk and not me.

_-enters counselling mode-_

so how does this desk make u feel?  
angry..  
sad..  
_suicidal_?

I think the only thing that can comfort u right now is that lounge of yours so go have a lie down then  
(i was gonna say nap only we cant sleep )

oh and don't worry about the stains. it only marks your territory.

although only _**god**_ knows how they got there!

**ALICE TO EDWARD:**

**TO:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game 

**CC:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

LOL hahaha  
well.. _-shifty eyes-_ to be honest you really don't want to know how they got there.

ok ok ill tell you..

_-sighs-_ i know that there's a no-blood-in-the-house-rule but i was hungry ok? and i couldn't bear to leave my precious couch _-pouts- _so i ordered in. hahaha yummo. it was the most delicious donkey iv ever had. but feral goat still tastes better.  
_-licks lips-_

and yeaa that's what the err -_shifty eyes-_ stains are.. and the donkey just happened to have.. err purple sparkly blood... yes that's it.

-wipes forehead- (thinks to self) _few! excellent cover story if i do say so myself, he will never suspect a thing... o holy hat.. did i just think that aloud? _

_-shifty eyes-_ hahaha heyyyy Edward!

xx Alice

* * *

review and karma will give you a cool present. and when i say cool, i mean _ice cold._ wink.

how could you ever resist? :)


	10. ten, i have a cool purple sparkly pen

**EDWARD TO ALICE:**

**TO:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

**CC:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

PURPLE SPARKLY BLOOD??

as in _**the**_ purple sparkly blood of my synthetic stuffed toy MOUNTAIN LION??

i hope you've had a nice existence.  
cos it is about to end.  
full stop.

**ALICE TO EDWARD:**

**TO:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game 

**CC:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

-DIES FROM LAUGHTER-

_-nervous laugh-_ I have no idea what you're.. err.. talking about dear Edward  
_-eyes dart around looking for an escape-_  
_-tries to change topic_- oh look over there! There is a mountain lion! why don't you go eat it?! I'm sure that will calm you down. you don't want to do anything hasty. not to your _favourite_ sister.

_-you growl threateningly-_

_-me: cornered in the far corner of the room-_

you know Edward, put it into a little perspective.  
what i did doesn't compare to what Emmett did.  
_-fake shock-_ oh wait didn't you hear?  
well i suppose i should break the news to you:

Emmett stole your Purple Sparkly Mountain Lion.

and made porno videos.

of it making out

with his stuffed toy grizzly bear.

in your

precious

Volvo.

LOL

_-takes advantage of your sudden rage towards Emmett and crawls under your legs and then runs out of the room laughing like a maniac-_

* * *

lalalala -cough**review**cough- :)

AN: as our favourite, or should i say _favorite_ for all you Americans, reviewers might have noticed -gasp- there is no threat.

alas dear friends, silence is the most deadly form of weapon so just this once let your imagination run wild before we add in mechanical knee caps, tissue gun shooters and other slightly obscure objects.


	11. legs eleven

**EDWARD TO ALICE:**

**TO:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

**CC:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

Forgive me while I take this opportunity to laugh.  
and laugh

and laugh

ZOMG  
_-you tubes the video as after racking through Emmett's mind I found out he posted it up there..and it actually won a prize-_

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

_-turns around to see your video camera in my face-_

-_swipes it away-_

_-then sees a vision through your mind of you actually winning the best you tube clip of the year on my reaction-_

okay so I have a 'to be screwed and then killed like nothingg ever seen before and worse than hell' list with two people on it:

namely you and _darling_ Emmett  
_-spits-_

**ALICE TO EDWARD:**

**TO:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game 

**CC:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

LOL hahaha

you couldn't catch me if you tried.

and you couldn't hurt Emmett either. -looks up in awe at him as he starts flexing- have you ever seen a buffer vampire? I think not.

and I may be small. but I have my alliances. unlike you.  
_-smug smile-_ and I can see the future.

speaking of my visions. I finally know how you live without being _with_ bella.

_-TWITCH-_

I'm officially scarred for life.

_-curls up in foetal position and starts rocking back and forward-_

**that poor, poor purple sparkly mountain lion.**

* * *

**Warning:** Those of you who do not review will be forced to play _host _to an alien lifeform. One who will throw frequent parties inside your brain might I add. Ouch. Talk about a headache.


	12. twelvish

**EDWARD TO ALICE:**

**TO:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

**CC:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

ZOMG U SO DID NOT JUST SPY ON ME AND MY PERSONAL TIME WITH MY MOUNTAIN LION

_-pouts-_

and i have my ways.  
size nor strength does not matter.  
it is entirely speed

_-laughs at the midget-_

**ALICE TO EDWARD:**

**TO:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game 

**CC:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

_-gets angrier and angrier as you laugh at my small stature-_

_-explodes with anger and runs towards you and starts scratching and bighting and kicking you-_

_-you laugh at my futile attempts to hurt you-_

_-you bend down to pat me on the head and i lick you-_

_-you become totally grossed out-_

_-i then poke you in the eyes with my sharp nails and you become blinded-_

_-i walk out of the room and you continue to stumble around blindly trying unsuccessfully to find me-_

_four and a half hours later _

_-you continue to randomly stumble around trying to find me-_

_-i have completely forgotten about you-_

_-you bump into me and realise that it's me and start trying to attack me-_

_-jasper realises what's happening and pounds you to a pulp-_

hahaa its a good thing that there's a doctor in the family because you have just been officially killed.

_-smug smile-_

* * *

**review.** please? pretty please? with mountain lion blood on top? -smiles sweetly-

or else you will die.

a horrible horrible death.

involving train ticket machines. and quite possibly a three horned toad.

mwahahhaa.


	13. friday the thirteenth

**EDWARD TO ALICE:**

**TO:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

**CC:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

Oh no you didn't. _–snaps fingers in Z formation-_

It's not my fault that you missed the midget convention by mere _days_. The monthly brochures you receive inform you of things such as that and the like. Just because you cannot read them is entirely another matter...

honestly, I think it would be easier if I just said what u thought and save u all that trouble of u trying to remember how to use your vocal chords. I mean your mind is so simple that an ant would have more stuff..

which reminds me

_-puts on sexy science goggles and enters room where starts trying to 'listen' to the ants-_

**ALICE TO EDWARD:**

**TO:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game 

**CC:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

LOL hahaha

_-ants crawl up your pants-_

-you look like you're doing some sort of weird dance while your scream out:

"I HAVE ANTIES IN MY **PANTIES!"**

_i enter stage right_

-leans against door frame with one eyebrow raised-

_Panties?_

-you are hit with the fact that you will never ever EVER live this down-

-the ants in your pants start biting you and you scream in pain and fear-

BECAUSE:

THEY ARE VAMPIRE ANTS!

MWAHAHAAHAAHAAAA

* * *

**Warning:**if you do not review you will have perminant friday the 13th bad luck and will most probably die. :)


	14. fourteen, rhyms with mortein

**EDWARD TO ALICE:**

**TO:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

**CC:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

LOL LOL LOL

wee ellll elllllllll

I'm sorry but they really hurt okay

and bella might not be happy when she found out that you had a vision and still did not stop them - now my perfect skin has tiny marks all over

my perfection is ruined..

RUINED!!

_-sobs-_

_-tone becomes icy-_ it was all **your** fault

_you_ set them on me

_-glares-_

with your little bribes

though i am curious as to what these were??

sand to build an ants nest??

**ALICE TO EDWARD:**

**TO:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game 

**CC:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

haha gosh brother you are so naive. _-shakes head-_

_"and bella might not be happy when she found out that you had a vision and still did not stop them.."_

**-evil laughter-**

Lmao i actually had the vision and then turned them vampire so that they would actually do some damage to your -coughing fit- _perfection_

**-evil laughter continues-  
MWAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHA!!**

and the bribe?

well i told them that if they got into your pants and attacked that _general area_ of interest that they would get to live in the volvo.

_-pouts-_

you know you love me.

* * *

**WARNING: **if you do not review, a cross dressing yeti will come to your front door and start unscrewing EVERY screw in your house. everything will fall to pieces on the floor, including your house. you will undoubtedly be crushed by an IKEA object. and in your last moments of life a singing fish will flash before your eyes. you. have. been. warned. _review._


	15. fifteen, is at the aquamarine

**EDWARD TO ALICE:**

**TO:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

**CC:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

OMGSH

OH NO U DIDNT _-snaps fingers in z formation-_

LEAVE MY VOLVO OUT OF THIS MISSY

-shifty eyes-

ill just forget to tell them about what i said could live in your porsche then..

MWHA HAHAHAHAHH

they have long necks and spots.

i thought i would stick with the colour yellow.

LOLL

and that general area would happen to be something so wonderful u cannot begin to imagine. jasper pales in comparison to me.

trust me. i would know.

mmmmmmm hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

**ALICE TO EDWARD:**

**TO:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game 

**CC:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

WEH EH ELLLLLL.

i also forgot to tell you about how i set loose a whole family of vampire feral goat in the meadow.

so ha. have fun trying to de-goat your precious meadow. They are quite territorial you know.

MWAHAHAHA

_-snaps fingers in Z formation-_

and dearest edward stop trying to talk yourself up. You're not fooling anyone,

especially not me.

and would you like to enlighten me to how you know such a fact?

_-pouts-_

* * *

**WARNING:** if you do not review, _the_ meadow will be forever filled with a tremendous populace of vampire feral goat. (ignoring the pesky little fact that animals can not go vampire for technical reasons of couse, but you see THESE vampire feral goat are SUPER GOAT!)

so REVIEW. Don't come crying to us when you crack open your preordered copy of Breaking Dawn to find goats in every corner. _-insert goat sounds in background- _


	16. sixteen, eat a spleen

**EDWARD TO ALICE:**

**TO:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

**CC:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

well u have demanded an explanation.

so u shall get.

just be warned: **the following comment is rated V. it contains information which is not suitable for humans**.

-_sigh-_

welll

it all started when i accidentally walked in on him scrutinising over two different packets. quickly reading his mind i found it was between large warming condoms and just medium ones.

i smirked which was a big mistake. he glared at me and the obvious step would have next been to fight.

however he thought not. instead we resulted in a measuring competition.

now here's where it gets ..

little innocent jazzy thought to use his talents to AROUSE both of us

_-shakes head in disgust as remembers what he was thinkingg of in order to do that-_

and then we proceeded to get bigger

oh and bigger

although clearly i was already the winner he remained adament.

therefore we -shifty eyes- _borrowed_ your very special sewing tape measure which u use to measure peoples clothing sizes (well namely bellas as we don't change)

without any thought of consequences we began to measure each other to prevent cheating.

soon it was revealed that jasper only required small condoms and well..i need special made

the most embarrassing part was when Emmett walked in the room as we were..touching each other and looking visibly aroused.

so there u see is our story

I HOPE U FELL OFF THE CHAIR!!

**ALICE TO EDWARD:**

**TO:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game 

**CC:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

FALLS OFF CHAIR.

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!

and then, knowing Emmett, I'm assuming that he also wanted to join in? haha LOL

yea and you need specially made- because small is just far too large.

_-shakes head in disgust-_

God. and i thought _I_ was kinky.

ahhaha xx

* * *

**WARNING:** Those who do not review will be drowned in peanut butter and jelly. the REAL kind of jelly that is. not that stuff which goes by the proper name of 'Jam' but the _dun dUN DUNN_ type which i believe you A_mericans_ call 'Jello'. JELL-IEEE. gosh. get it right people. _-scoffs-_

so what type would you prefer? crunchy or smooth? razzle dazzle rasberry or berry blue? or perhaps even a touch of cool lime? your death. your decision.


	17. seventeen, causing a scene

**EDWARD TO ALICE:**

**TO:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

**CC:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

-_Screws up face-_ LIES!! ALLL LIESS!!

-_shakes head in disbelief-_

Why must you come up with such profanities?

I however, only speak the truth.

Speaking of truth:

-_taps head-.._

ur secrets out!!

_-smirks as u look confused and then realisation hits-_

dun dun DUNNNNNNNNNNN

**ALICE TO EDWARD:**

**TO:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game 

**CC:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

**-gasp-**

WHO TOLD YOU!?

_-eyes narrow-_

_-draws out axe-_

you better explain yourself smart before i **AXE**adently kill you again.

**EDWARD TO ALICE:**

TO: Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

CC: Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

well sometimes my concentration slips and blockingg out peoples thoughts becomes tiresome..so sometimes i let it wash over me

little did i know that you were thinkingg those things in one of these momentarily collapses.

really

cheatingg with rosalie??

what _has_ gotten into you??

**ALICE TO EDWARD:**

TO: Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game 

CC: Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

-_haha shifty eyes-_

i think perhaps you read the wrong mind. perhaps bellas?

im sorry, but you just can't satisfy her the way Rosalie does.

LOL.

* * *

**Warning:** If you fail to review, a giant ox will ravish you right here. right now. i would get reviewing right away if i were you. this ox has a fetish for toothpaste flavoured marshmellows in the shape of ugly little ducklings. only god knows what it plans to do with them. -twitch-


	18. eighteen, really mean

**EDWARD TO ALICE:**

**TO:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

**CC:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

is that right my bitch??

only you forgot i can't read bellas mind.

no need to rub it in

it was unmistakeably yours (and i wish i was mistaken only I'm not /)

**ALICE TO EDWARD:**

**TO:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game 

**CC:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

_your_ bitch??

_i don't think so. __-snaps fingers in Z formation-_

haha i completely forgot that you couldn't read her mind. haha.

but take a moment to consider this:

WHAT IF: you could only hear her thoughts when she was having lesbian thoughts?

huh huh huh?

haha _-smirks-_ stumped you there. cause you know that i just made a very good point.

* * *

**WARNING:** If you do not review, the ultimate of evils will happen to you.

It will begin with the exchanging of money for a rainbow. oh yes, but this is not your average 'happy' rainbow, it is more like an 'im going to wreck havoc rainbow' on every single non reviewing person out there (and MR FCKING -small- BASTARD PLAYER; lol yes. guy issues. -castrates said fucker - mwahahhaa)

It begins by showering you in all the colours symbolic of hell. MWAHAHAA. These then transport you to the actual place itself where Lord Voldemort awaits with his magic wand at ready. Once he is _satisfied_, the rainbow tortures slowly by eating nerve by nerve, picking every part of your anatomy and then sending these to become meat for the Ompa Lumpa's which are scary carnivorous beings. The ompa lumpa droppings are then drowned in water and lay forever at the bottom of the 'Dead Sea'.

This marks the end for you and your non reviewing lives.


	19. nineteen, is really quite obscene

**EDWARD TO ALICE:**

**TO:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

**CC:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

sorry to burst your bubble.

but even if i did hear her -_cough-_ lesbian thoughts, then wouldn't i be shocked at the new flavour or voice??

instead it was undeniably you.

do i need to get jasper and his fuzzy wuzzy gut spilling emotion ability into this huh huh??

**ALICE TO EDWARD:**

**TO:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game 

**CC:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

ahaha ok i admit it.

but i was only thinking that to try and get your attention. and to see if your mind reading thing was still working. haha it was a maintenance check. -pouts-

speaking of maintenance.. sounds like those men at school. ARGH SCHOOL!! That place is my form of personal hell.. what is with all the assessments and examinations?! They are so _mind numbing_. I swear i have done the upcoming one at least a million times. Grrr.

If only there could be a mysterious disappearance involving said education department...

–_fantasises ways to make that happen-_

* * *

**dun Dun DUNNNN... how will said fantasies occur? what will said fantasies revolve around? and why are said fantasies defined as fantasies to begin with??**

**approach your nearest post man to find out the answers to these captivating questions and more.**

**WARNING:**review. or we shall be forced to utilize our people peelers on you. unless you are in fact a vegetable. then regular vegetable peelers will surely suffice. if you classify as both vegetable and humanoid, you will not be tolerated. because half species are so not cool despite what stephenie meyer believes. for this reason no peeler will be used, because we do not at this pesent moment own a peeler for half vegetable and half humanoid people which can be readily put in to use. so it is the blender for you freaks.

but back to the original point. for the majority of our readers who we believe to be fully humanoid, you shall slowly be pealed. flesh from flesh. bone from bone. eyeball from eyeball. your thin slices of flesh and other anatomy will then be sandwiched between two delectable slices of high fiber low GI multigrain rhye bread. and the banquet for all you reviewers shall begin. _-tucks in-_

oh and despite what you think, none of you are vampires. we are the only vampires in this town. _-flashes blood stained teeth-_


	20. twenty, there is plenty

**EDWARD TO ALICE:**

**TO:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

**CC:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game

zomg i am going to lock all the education department people in one room, then in a split second snap their necks and give into the beast within me..

_-tries in vain to push thought out of mind-_

vegetarian

vegetarian

FUCKINGG VEGETARIAN

gah.

**ALICE TO EDWARD:**

**TO:** Edward Hottness is the name Cullen is his game 

**CC:** Trust Me I'm Alice –Insert Evil Laugh Here-

-slaps your face-

CUT IT OUT MAN! what has gotten in to you.

Vegetarian.

fucking vegetarian.

you are a _FUCKING VEGETARIAN._

remember that okay?

_-calms down-_

gosh i'm ashamed of you, -shakes head- it is possible to massacre a whole room full of education department officials _without eating them_ you know.

geebuz.

okay here's the plan:

_without becoming a __**human**__atarian_(LOL)  
we entice the education officials, and what the heck, english department for making us work after school certificate -taps head knowingly-, and also design and technology department because i just don't like them, to our lovely home and then _dispose_ of them in a fashion that doesn't require us to eat them, or be tempted to eat them.

but only god knows how we will do that.

i have a few, _rather eccentric,_ ideas, but i know you will probably just dismiss them for being slightly queer and ludicrous.

so, do you, dear brother, have any plans on what to do with them once we have lured them into our lovely lare?

* * *

**WARNING:** if you fail to review, your entire supply of red creaming soda will be upducted by interior designer apes who shall then spray it up your festering noses while simultaneously cutting open millions of onions in close proximity to your weeping eyes. Worms will start wriggling free and shall slither down your oesophagus moving ever closer towards the lining of your stomach which they will then automatically begin to nibble at with their suspiciously pointy teeth. You will then be forced to undergo knife swallowing activities by sadistic sea lion masters.


End file.
